We are coming upon the two year anniversary of the summer from H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! Life is going really good right now and I feel like we have been given time to breath. As we breath and take a break from the really hard, I have been looking back on our experience and thinking about our journey. First, I am amazed we survived. That was really HARD! Second, I hope we don't have to go back there again any time soon! And last, I feel like I really learned a lot from that journey! I probably could write a book (and lots of people have) because it was such a journey of being stretched and of growth. I recently heard my brother say this quote, "Writing makes an exact man." I liked that. I feel that I need to put on to paper some of the lessons I learned so I don't forget them. They were hard earned lessons and I want them to stick!
The first lesson I learned was to turn to God and ask Him to walk with me in this life. During a really hard time, I was struggling with all that was expected of me. I was being weighed down with taking care of the family alone, being Jaron's full-time nurse, caring for the home and yard, feeding the animals, etc. It was hard and I was struggling. So I decided to go to a caregivers support group at the Huntsman Cancer Inst. This was a really good experience and I am glad I went. It was good to be among others who were dealing with similar problems and who could be very sympathetic. But one thing stood out the most to me. There were four people there and we were all dealing with a similar trial. All of us had a spouse dealing with cancer and who would probably die from cancer. But as we went around the circle and shared our trials, I realized I was doing a lot better than everyone else. This was not because I am better than the others. It was because I had God in my life. By the way they talked, I could tell they were walking this journey alone. I wanted to stand up and say, "Life would be so much better if you would turn to God." It wouldn't have been appropriate, so I didn't. But I wish I could have. I have gained such a strong understanding that God will help carry our burdens. He will give us strength to make it through. He will be by our side during the dark nights. All we have to do is turn to Him, to fall on our knees and pour out our heart and He will be there. I know that I have survived all we have gone through not by my own strength but because I had God helping me. I will never try to walk this life alone. It is too hard and I am not strong enough. But with God, all things are possible.
Another lesson I learned was to try and see the good and to be grateful. This was hard when it seemed like life kept pushing us down. There kept being bad news after bad news. But when we were really feeling down, we would stop and name things that were good in our life. It really did bring light and lift us up when we did this. I remember one particularly hard day. I was feeling low from all the bad that was happening. I felt like we were being picked on and I was tired of it. I happened upon a talk given by Susan Easton Black at a BYU Women's Conference. In the talk, she told about when Joseph Smith was jailed in the Liberty Jail. The conditions he was living in were terrible and all of his family and the members of the church were really suffering as they were being kicked out of their homes. He was feeling very down on himself and he prayed to God saying something like "Where are you?" God answered him and one of the things He said to Joseph Smith is that Joseph's trials weren't as bad as Job's because Joseph still had his friends by his side. Susan Easton Black went on to stay that all the difficult things that Joseph Smith had to endure, he could be grateful that he still had friends by his side through it all. When I heard this, I stopped what I was doing and was filled with gratitude-gratitude for all of our friends that were by our side. All of the kindness that has been shown us, all of the service that we received, all of the prayers said in our behalf, all of the gifts and goodies left at our doorstep, all of the babysitting and help with my children-my heart was so filled with gratitude for it all. Though our trials were big, that did not compare to the goodness we received from our friends. I felt such gratitude at that moment and I still feel that gratitude. I also felt so much lighter after that experience. I attribute that to stopping and being grateful. Often when I would hear my kids listing all the bad things happening in our lives, I would acknowledge that it was bad and there was a lot of hard things. Then I would ask them if they saw any good things happening. They would then start listing them and the bad list seemed to disappear. It really did help. Gratitude is the key to peace and happiness. I truly believe this.
My next lesson piggybacks on the one I just said. Though it is so helpful to be grateful and to see the good, it is ok to be sad and to be having a hard time. Sometimes we try to jump straight from bad news to being grateful. I think it is more helpful to spend some time grieving the bad news or the hard experience. After something bad would happen to us or some news was given to us, I would cry and then I would spend a couple of days going over the bad news and feeling sad or angry or upset about it. Then, after I had given my grief enough time, I would turn to the gratitude and seeing the good. I would pick myself up and get back to work. Because I allowed myself the time to be sad I was able to return to a good place once again. Often when someone we love has something bad happen, we want to hurry them through the sad because we don't like to see them suffer. But sometimes it is very healthy to cry it out, pull the covers over our heads, and grieve. So sit with a loved one when something bad happens and tell them it is ok to be sad, upset, angry, disappointed, etc. Because "FEELING IS HEALING."
Another lesson I learned is that we don't need to go through these trials alone. We can and should seek outside help. Jaron and I received counseling alone and together. One of my children who was really struggling also went to a counselor. Some of us have had anxiety our whole life and with these added trials, it was at a very high level. We sought medical help and received some life saving medication. I think we as humans like to think we are strong enough to do it on our own, but I think it actually shows a lot of strength to say, "I need help." I am such a believer in counseling and medicine. I feel like both are gifts from God to help me and others succeed in this life. I am very grateful these resources were available to us so we could receive the help we needed through a very difficult time in our life.
Like I said, I could write a book about all I have learned but I will share one last lesson. I might have shared this on this blog before but it was such a powerful moment for me that I want to share it again. The lesson is that God is aware of us and knows what we need. He will often send others to fill those needs. I remember coming home from church one Sunday feeling very low. Jaron was sick in bed. I had once again taken myself and my children to church alone. I had taught the music time with the children at church, which was always a lot of work. I came home knowing I would need to care for Jaron and take care of the kids. I was worn out and feeling overwhelmed. I hated that we had animals to feed and a large yard to care for. My house seemed like this big monster that I couldn't keep up with cleaning. I finally decided that we would need to sell everything and move to an apartment because my work load was too much. That day I was feeling really low. Then, I got a knock on my door. It was one of our neighbors. He said that he had some extra time and didn't like being bored so would it be ok if he helped out in our yard. I told him it was ok, that we were handling things. (Why is it hard to ask for help?) He went on to say I would be doing him a favor because he was bored and needed something to do. I am sure this is not true but he was trying to spare my feelings. I mentioned that my flower beds were driving me crazy and that the edges of the grass needed to be trimmed. We decided on a day that he would come back. As I shut the door, tears just started to flow from my eyes. This man didn't know the heavy heart I had that day. He didn't know that I was feeling so alone. But God knew. God knew what I needed and He sent an earthly angel to help me. And that man did come back with three loads of mulch for my flower beds and a trimmer for all of the edges of my grass. And he brought his teenage daughter to help. They mowed and trimmed the grass and shoveled dirt into the flower beds. They spent all day making my yard look so shiny and pretty. Then he came back another day and spent hours fixing our sprinklers that weren't working. He truly lifted my burdens. After that experience I felt so strongly that God is aware of us and wants to help us and bless us. And He will send help. Sometimes we need to be the earthly angels that help others and sometimes we are the ones being helped. I am so grateful that God is aware of me and loves me. I am grateful He has been by my side during this really hard trial.
Sometimes you hear people say, "I am grateful for this trial because I learned so much." That seems hard to believe because who would want some of these trials and be grateful for them! I think what people really mean to say is, "Though I did not want this trial, I am grateful that I was able to learn and grow so much through it all." I recently went to my nephew's wedding. The love between these two young people was almost palpable. I missed that feeling of new love. I asked myself, "If you could, would you go back 17 years to when your love for Jaron was new?" My answer was no, I wouldn't go back. Why? For one, my love for Jaron has grown so much since that time and because I have learned so much in those years that I wouldn't trade it for anything. My trials and hard times have taught me so much that I am a different person because of it. I wouldn't trade that knowledge because I earned it and I want to keep it. I am sure there is still a lot I need to learn. But for now I will enjoy this time to breath and put into practice all that I have learned.
Thank you for being on this journey with our family. It has been rough and hard and heart breaking. But we have been so uplifted by all those who have supported us. Many times someone would ask me how we were doing and I would answer, "Well, the positive outweighs the negative so we are doing good." I believe that. Thank you for being the positive in our lives. We feel so blessed by all those around us. We love you and thank you.
Joni
