It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

It has almost been a week since Jaron’s surgery and he is recovering well.  We have been home since Monday, which has been so nice.  The hospital is exhausting.  All the activity makes sleep hard to come by.  Since Jaron is so tall, his feet always hung off the end of the bed.  This made him quite uncomfortable.  So we were thrilled when they said Jaron was doing so well that he could go home.  Before leaving, we spoke with his neurosurgeon, Dr. Jensen, and he said Jaron was a week ahead of where he thought he would be.  His language was doing so well and the doctor was pleased with Jaron’s progress.  This was so encouraging.  We met with the speech therapist and they said Jaron has aphasia, which mostly deals with word finding.  Words, specifically names, are difficult to find.  But with a little bit of therapy, he should gain that all back.  The doctor also said that the optic nerve was being bothered by the swelling in Jaron’s brain, which was causing his vision to struggle. This would hopefully calm down soon and Jaron would get his vision back.  So we left the hospital encouraged that Jaron’s healing was ahead of schedule and all concerns would work themselves out.  

When we got home, Jaron walked straight upstairs, climbed into our king sized bed, and stretched fully out.  For the first time in days, he could have his whole body on a bed at the same time.  He slept for a couple hours, taking up all the space in the bed.  I wasn’t sure where I would sleep at night, but I was ok with that.  It was good to see him comfortable.  Being at home has been nice. Jaron is getting good rest.  He is eating well.  We go for walks.  He gets to see the kids more.  We are glad to be home.  It has also been so nice to have my mom here.  She works with the speed of a superhero and the endurance of a 20 year old.  My home is cleaner that it ever has been and my laundry is always caught up.  She is also an emotional strength.  What a blessing she is!  

At the hospital, the doctor had told us to expect a call with results on Wednesday, which was yesterday.  I had dreaded this phone call because I didn’t want to hear the bad news.  I was still on cloud 9 with how well Jaron was doing.  I didn’t want that to be dashed.  But the time came, the doctor did call, and it wasn’t good news.  Jaron has stage 3 Cancer.  His tumor is called Anaplastic Astrocytoma.  This tumor is a grade down from the glioblastomas his mom has and his sister had, but it is still not a good one.  He will undergo treatments like chemo and radiation.  This can be an aggressive tumor and may come back.  I am devastated.  This is not what we wanted to hear.  I keep replaying the conversation we had in the hospital right after surgery.  Through his grogginess of anesthesia, Jaron would ask about his tumor and I reassured him it didn’t seem to be a bad one and he would say,  “So I don’t need to worry?” and I would lovingly tell him, “No, you don’t need to worry.”  I am glad I calmed him down then, but we did need to worry.  We are now in the battle of our lives.  There are many hard days ahead.  And we don’t know the outcome of this.  My heart aches.  I keep quoting The Santa Clause, I want to “lash out irrationally.”  I want to scream and cry and pull the covers over my head.  But life doesn’t allow that.  Jaron needs me to take care of him.  I have 3 children to love and care for, so I put on a brave face and keep going.  Jaron is just truly being brave.  He says he doesn’t really feel any emotions right now anyways.  He doesn’t smile or laugh, so he doesn’t seem too upset.  But what he has said are all positive words.  He wants to fight and win this.  I truly hope he does.  I want him around for a long time.  I need him in my life.  My kids need him in our lives.  I hate cancer!  I never, ever thought this would be our path.  But here it is in front of us and we must take the road ahead, so forward we go.  

When we were at the hospital, awaiting Jaron’s surgery to get over, my brother JB and I got into a discussion about God.  He was preparing for a future conference presentation on the nature of God.  My brother is a religion professor.  His topic was along the lines of is God involved in our lives or does He watch from a distance, allowing bad things to happen.  We both agreed that we think God is a loving and involved God.  He wants to help us.  He wants to be there for us.  Hard things happen to help us grow and to draw us closer to Him.  He doesn’t necessarily cause bad things to happen, I think that is a part of the human experience.  I think He allows it to happen because He knows that during the hard times we can really grow and become the person He wants us to become.  I also think we agreed to these hard things before we came to Earth.  I think we were told some of the things that would happen to us in this life, and I think we enthusiastically agreed to do them.  I think we were excited to come to Earth, to endure hard things, and to show God that we would follow Him.  The best part is God didn’t just send us to Earth and leave us alone.  He gave us so much help.  So even though we are going through maybe the hardest trial of our life, He is blessing us and comforting us.  He has surrounded us with so many angels, both seen and unseen.  I don’t know how we will get through it, but I know we won’t be alone.  Thank you for being some of those angels.  Thank you for sending your prayers to heaven.  I know we are being blessed by your faith.  I love you for that.

Joni